in this dozenth candidate for both crossover of the year & reboot of the year, A.I. Paul Walker’s left leg is missing. even the long-dead unreal can be harmed, to show that time has passed. luckily, his Tesla spacecraft self-drives itself to Jurassic World Mars. an unidentified flying object touches down hard beside him. obviously, it’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, vehicle flawless, face still unchanged. they embrace the way they always have, bound like nuclei.

Chris Pratt’s back & he’s joined the military. sometimes, families recruit each other. he shows Paul & Dwayne the new technologies: a dinosaur large enough to consume other dinosaurs; a heat-seeking raptor half-trained to avoid civilians; a tank that runs on not-yet-fossilized stegosaurs. Dwayne cracks a joke—focus-tested, uncontroversial, clean as oil. Paul references the war in that sandy country drilled full of holes. suddenly, behind them, a scream.

nobody guessed that the dinosaurs would escape this time. nobody guessed that a world this rich could end. red dust reddens. raptors sweep NPCs skyward. Martian-Americans meet their deaths. what red-blooded creature does not seek heat? Paul and Dwayne run, then rev their engines. they can crash any car they want. Chris calms the newly carnivorous triceratops. he only ever needs his words. he never needs a revolution. this is Chris we’re talking about! everything’s okay! even the ground’s on fire. the camera turns the other way. music builds towards a familiar ending. dinosaurs swallow dinosaurs. monster trucks versus prehistoric monsters. thank man-made god. thank resurrected resurrection. thank military haven. no one important is dying. no one crucial is dead.